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Writer's pictureMelissa Bowen

Grief: The True Equalizer and Teacher of Resilience

Updated: Oct 16

Some say time is the “great equalizer”. Some say education. 


An “equalizer” is a force or phenomena that gives everyone in an unequal position a fair shot, or more tragically, reduces all people to the same circumstances. 


This is where I’m currently believing the great equalizer is actually grief. It is the experience that reduces us all to the same level of common humanity. 


No matter your status in life, your success in business, your education, sex, religion, race, relationships, or political views, we will all experience the emptiness of loss. At one point or another, the pain of loss will be a common thread we share. 


I believe grief will be your biggest educator in life. It will expose the kinks in your armor; like submerging a tire in water, it’ll show where the leaks are and where the patches need to be. I intentionally say patches and not plugs.  Plugs are to stop the flow of anything coming out, but a patch implies where the care needs to be so that the tire can function as it’s meant to.

 

Unfortunately you only learn the most about grief when you’re experiencing it; not from hearing about it or being exposed to other people's grief, but from your personal experience of it. 


Of course grief can be any kind of loss, such as loss of a job or a relationship or something special to you, but I think one of the most impactful teachers comes from the biggest loss, and that is the death of a loved one. 


You’re immediately thrust into the acute triage of life. You will learn how you handle crisis. Not the kind of crisis you see coming like a hurricane or the closing of a business, but you learn immediately what is your ability to problem solve, care for yourself, pick up the life that has just broken into pieces.

 


 


I recently had a vulnerable conversation with a dear friend, as she wanted to have conversations with her children about how they may want to hear any kind of devastating news, especially as their lives start taking them to different parts of the globe. “What people would you want around you?” and “Do you want me to prepare an environment as safe as possible for you to learn something that changes your life?” 


I appreciate this and truly respect, as an anxious planner, that I would want to plan and orchestrate all kinds of scaffolding around any tragedy.   As we kept talking, I realized how futile that is.

 

This futility of preparation confirms the importance of teaching your kids and modeling how to handle adversity, disappointment, and struggles. It is not protecting them from all challenges but teaching them how to deal with them, and build their resilience. 


True resilience is the ability to navigate adversity with things like asking for help, leaning on social supports and loved ones, being gentle with themselves, even problem-solving. Because we will all get “that phone call” one day.

 

Being resilient is not wearing rose-colored glasses or even optimism or hope, as much as I do lean on those things and believe in those things. I believe those things become more possible when you learn how to deal with the hard things. 


There’s a song that says “...always look on the bright side of life.” I believe in that too. Gratitude produces a grounding in presentness and reality. I think we can appreciate the bright sides in life when we have a healthy respect for the delicate preciousness and balance of the reality of life. AND we know how to navigate that balance.

 



 



Caution about Consumption


Can you handle the amount of grief coming at you? Not just your experience of your own, but that of everyone you’re connected to?


I am offering a word of caution about what you consume, social media consumption specifically. 


As a society, we like to think we are more “connected” now more than ever, thanks to the social mediums. However, I think we are just more informed. Informed about everyone’s everything. And I’m not sure we were meant to hold all that. 


We have more input and exposure to grief, strife, and stress because we’re exposed to that of the world, and our loved ones. Even with our acquaintances that we would normally have 2 to 3° of separation to all of their intimate life dealings, social media gives us a front row seat. Now we put ourselves in a position to navigate even that exposure. 



How do you feel when you hear about your friend’s cousin’s husband who passed away? Or even their dog? The hits will keep on coming. I’m not saying these aren’t important things but you have to be prepared with a healthy understanding of what you think is an appropriate response to the grief of the world and your community of friends on social media.

 

Boundaries with social media will be important here too. Determine where you feel it’s appropriate and your abilities to see it, and respond to it.   What is your ability and desire to hold it the way you would someone close to you?

 



 


So what is my encouragement to you? 


Maybe it is a word of caution. Become aware of how our socialization is set up could become an added burden to your spirit and psyche.


Make your responses and interactions conscious and intentional. Especially around grief. 


Learn what it really means to be gentle with yourself, to recognize when you are in a lower capacity for operating in business or relationships. Take care of yourself to get through any wave of grief you experience now or 10 years from now, and release the expectation that there is any kind of normal or timeline. 


I’ve learned a few things that comfort and sustain me since my mom passed 2 years ago, and my brother-in-law earlier this year:


  • It’s ok to let myself be sad. I will cycle to neutral and some joy at some point.


  • Phone a friend. It helps to let someone hold it with you for a spell.


  • I connect to who I’m missing. I now wear my BIL’s ratty ol Saint’s teeshirt, and my mom? Well, she’s everywhere 🙂


  • I love the book: “Healing After Loss” by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It’s a daily devotional that is short, manageable daily meditations. Somehow always hits what the heart needs without requiring too much.


You’re getting through grief and it is going to be your ultimate teacher. What will you learn? (or What do you need to learn?)


Melissa Bowen with all the emotions from the movie, "Inside Out 2"


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